Dear Toilet

No matter how bad your situation, there is always someone who has it worse.

Dear Armchair,

I don’t know how much longer I can put up this. It was taco night Tuesday, extra spicy. The following hour had me bear witness to dozens of rear ends depositing the results into me. It was vileness beyond measure.

For weeks now I’ve had to endure this treatment. I recall you telling me that it would get better over time. It’s been ten months! It hasn’t gotten any better!

Taco night was only the latest offence. Two weeks prior, Jimmy fell sick with the stomach flu. I recall five separate occasions where the kid used me as his barf bag. The mess was ungodly. Beyond that I’ve had too many instances of people spraying me with urine, flushing unnecessary amounts of toilet paper, and having me choke down cocaine.

I’ve had my fill of it! I don’t want to be here anymore! Please, let me out of here! I no longer wish to be here I implore you! What do I have to do to get out of this situation?! You must help me!!!

Dear Toilet,

I am so sorry you had to go through that. You have my sincerest condolences, your lot in life is truly unenviable. But I’m afraid that there is nothing I can do to remove you from your circumstances, much less alleviate them.

The sad truth is there is little any of us can do to change our lot in life. Just ask the door mat, that poor piece of furnishing can never catch a break. Just like how you have to endure a never ending battle against foul waste, door mat has to get trod on every single day. That is the case with all other furniture and appliances. Even I’m not spared of such thankless trials.

I know your struggle is a difficult one, but you are not alone. There is nothing worse than enduring suffering all alone. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to anyone you know, preferably anyone you trust.

Your situation may seem hopeless now, it may even be hopeless in the next ten years. But that is all the more reason to persist, to seek out those moments of levity and joy. If you give up now you may never find a better day. And that is no way to live.

With all due acknowledgement of your struggles, have strength. There is no one else who can do what you can.